Arriving in Miura is no easy task. There is only one road into the city, and only one road out of the city. All of the inhabitants use this road everyday, as they all either work in the city and live abroad, or work abroad and live in the city. The vehicles zigzag between each other, never advancing more than a car length ahead, and more often than not they fall behind. This is where the joy of the town lays, the commute. As each driver, never with a passenger, makes his trip, every emotion is displayed. From the burst of anger when one is cut-off by an unwary citizen, or the happiness achieved when a large gap is opened by an exiting semi to get all the speed they can from their automobile shows the most pleasure I have ever seen in a human. Of course this speed never lasts, and it is a wonder why no one walks, when the speed most definitely falls lower than that. The subtle dance of traffic is an intriguing one, but I have not yet acquired the taste for it.
As one nears the city, viewing the beautiful landscape, I begin to understand this slow pace. From the gorgeous skyline of skyscrapers, to the mountain filled ranges circling the city, it is a wonder if anyone watches the road for more than a minute, possibly out of the corner of their eye, as their gaze is always drawn up, never forward. The closer I neared the city, the less I wanted to enter. This was not unusual, as many seemed to share my idea. I continued to look at the surroundings, absorbing what I could before having to make a decision of where I should land. I could have continued following the rest of the crowd at the ever slow pace, or I could take any of the numbered unnamed exits.
Decisions don’t need to be made quickly, and that can’t be more stressed. All of the exits also allow you to turn around. Those that did decide to exit all went back up the other way, stuck in the muddled flow. I too chose to do this, never entering the city as I never found an entrance in all of the exits.
Polar Opposites
I stumbled upon Ascari in my travels in the early morning. The sun baked my face, while my arms grew hot. I disrobed down to my last piece of clothing, stuffing my sack with all of them. I passed a fresh fruit market, with two young boys’ lips stained by blackberries, who then ran away when they spotted me. The vendor gave me an evil eye, and then refused to acknowledge my presence. More and more faces appeared, shunning and avoiding me. All were cloaked as if in a mass religious precession. But it couldn’t have been religious, as they were adorned with all of the colors, but dulled. The cloaks were yellow, black, brown, orange and blue to name a few. It looked painful for those clothed to the toe, as the sweat was visible inside and out. The sweat was even dripping off the jackets, pants and hats. Everyone was miserable, visibly in pain and in personal anguish. I couldn’t understand it. This was possibly the most beautiful day I had ever seen, not a cloud in the sky, the sun bright and warm, and the city was as clean as if it had just taken a bath.
And then it rained. No, it poured, drenching the country side, and flooding the streets. I along with everything else was invited to a community shower. I scrambled to clothe myself in anything that appeared water proof, as everything else was soaking wet in this aquatic realm. And then I saw something I did not when I arrived. Smiles, laughter and a grand old time were had. Women were dancing with umbrellas, men skipping in the streams, and children splashing each other in the faces. I couldn’t help but be sucked into the event, trotting down the embankments as I was cooled from the harsh sun that felt like a distant past.
But no more than five minutes had passed before the sun came out again. Doom and gloom was on everyone’s mind. I wondered if this small storm was what everyone had been waiting for all day, as if they had some foresight into the future that such a clear and sunny day could bring also so much rain. I removed my clothing once more, but I was mistaken. A new storm came, and along with it, happiness.
Undistinguishable
I had been traveling through the countryside for many days when I nearly ran into a sign giving directions to a city by the name of Cuda. As I left a forest, the city finally came into view. Massive buildings arranged perfectly, sitting just beneath the clouds. Outside of this central district were the many homes, all neatly arranged to exact mathematical squares. And outside these homes was the road I was taking. The road was perfectly straight and pointed right towards the center of town. Along the road were the trees, meticulously pruned and clipped, giving just the right amount of shade, and no branch hung so low as to knock my hat off. The city continued to grow in size as I neared it, and I got a better look at this marvelous city.
I first passed through the suburbia, all homes were perfectly arranged; lawns clipped at no higher or no lower than an inch off the ground. The homes themselves were painted a deep blue, like the ocean I had walked along in so many of my travels. The roofs were all a perfect forty five degree slope, forming a perfect right triangle. Men and women were leaving their homes headed to work in their pressed suits, straight from the dry cleaners. The men all wore fedoras that fit there head perfectly, all angled to the side as was the fashion at the time. The young ladies with white parasols carried over their left shoulders headed off with their men.
I was carried in town with this fantastic spectacle, a river of people flowing in almost militaristic form, as if we marched toward the city to conquer it. I felt completely out of place with my sun faded clothes with its pungent stench of the outdoors. I walked a little slower than everyone else and a bit to the side, trotting through their immaculate lawns. The city was so large in the distance that I couldn’t make out how far it was, especially with no point of reference. The homes vanished at the horizon, and the city seemed to appear from the curve of the earth. These people were at the top of the world, mathematically perfect. But I didn’t belong with them, nor could I appreciate their form, so I turned and headed back as fast as I could.
Without a Theme
The town of
I awoke to the sound of frying, boiling and all other varieties of cooking. My mouth salivated at what was available for breakfast. Thick strips of bacon, crispy but not too crispy, and lightly peppered, rich and chewy bread with a light crisp crust, and a tall glass of fresh squeezed orange juice were just a few of the dishes I received for breakfast. The people in the streets were not very big considering how much they ate, and they always cleaned their plate. Everyone was about with their business, and I was lollygagging, counting the time to lunch.
As the sun rose to its highest point, I chose a spot to chow down. I ordered my meal and my mouth was already watering at the food that others around me were eating in delight, looking at me occasionally, in delight as well. It had been but a day here, and I already wanted to end my travels and stay here for the rest of my life. Food to me is the greatest gift to give yourself, and I had never tried anything remotely as good as in Ghini, nor even tasted anything like what I had tried. I asked the host of the restaurant where they got their meat, and she gave me directions to the countryside just outside of town.
I made my way out of town, enjoying the beautiful landscape, but I did not see the cattle, pigs, or sheep I had expected to see. Instead I saw people, lulling about in small cages. I became terrified, and ran back to town to find the police, but they found me first, and I was knocked unconscious by a billy club.
I awoke in a cage, crammed with men of all ages. There were women too, but in a separate area. I asked my cellmate where we were and he answered that we were awaiting execution. I asked why and he answered in one word; meat.
Questions Answered
The easiest theme was “Polar Opposites” because I already had a great idea in my head that would fit that theme. I think it was easier to write without the themes, because I had an idea (probably not the most original) that really fit the invisible cities stories. The most difficult part of the assignment was starting it, but once I start, I couldn’t stop. Calvino’s language appealed to me, but I definitely have my own voice and can’t really emulate anyone else with any skill.
2 comments:
Miura
I really liked the final paragraph. Each sentence and phrase fits together well and it was a nice way to wrap up the city and contrast the frustrated feel of the first paragraph. Your theme is definitely embodied in this piece as well. That message is hammered home in the last part of the story without being redundant whatsoever.
There are many sentences that I stumbled on in the first paragraph. It didn’t flow as well as the last paragraph and it seemed to be trying to do too much. An example of this is the sentence “As each driver...emotion is displayed.” There’s too much going on in the sentence and it’s hard to follow what it actually means. Another example is in the second paragraph, where the second sentence is really long and hard to follow.
Ascari
I liked this one when you were reading it in class because an interesting idea and kind of cool because (like the first story) it reminds me of Seattle, which is possibly your intention. The idea that the rain would bring so much joy and the sun would be so unbearable is an interesting one. You also did a good job of grabbing the reader’s attention with the glares your narrator receives and the discomfort the inhabitants are experiencing.
Like the first story, there were some sentences I found to be a little awkward. “Smiles, laughter and a grand old time were had” just doesn’t flow well. Also, you started a few sentences with “And,” which in my opinion breaks the fluidity of a piece and sounds somewhat abrupt. In addition, some of the phrases you used seemed a bit cliché- for example, things like “doom and gloom” don’t paint as clear of a picture as other phrases you used like “the harsh sun that felt like a distant past.”
Cuda
I have many of the same critiques for this story as for the last. Some of the sentences don’t quite sound right, for example “Massive buildings arranged perfectly, sitting just beneath the clouds.” Either this is a fragment or it’s using “arranged” as a verb in a way that doesn’t work very well.
I thought that the word choice was better in this city however. There were more illustrative phrases like “pungent stench of the outdoors” and “the city seemed to appear from the curve of the earth.” Again your last paragraph was more fluid and well-worded than your first. I’m not sure why that is! But I do like the last paragraph a lot.
Ghini
This story was fun, you did a good job foreshadowing and that end held quite the twist. I also liked the way that phrases like “meat lovers” catch your attention at the beginning and then the story is wrapped up at the end with that same word – meat. There were also lot of descriptive phrases I liked, like “rich and chewy bread” and the use of “in delight” (which also worked as foreshadowing).
There were a couple phrases I’d change. For example, where you said “crispy but not too crispy,” I felt that was a little lazy as a writer. Anyone could say that phrase, but it’d bee better to actually describe the bacon and what about it made the perfect amount of crispiness. Also, the sentence “I became terrified…billy club” wasn’t really descriptive – it stated clearly what happened, but not in a very creative way. The storyline is so creative that the language should fit it.
Traveling is Part of the Destination
I think the first paragraph uses the word city too much.
This is a run-on sentence “From the burst of anger when one is cut-off by an unwary citizen, or the happiness achieved when a large gap is opened by an exiting semi to get all the speed they can from their automobile shows the most pleasure I have ever seen in a human.”
This sentence: “…when the speed most definitely falls lower than that” sounds a little too casual for the precedent you’ve set up. Try changing the word definitely to something else and changing out the word “that.”
I question the adjective “gorgeous” to describe skyscrapers. Also I think mountain filled should be hyphenated.
“The closer I neared the city” This should be near, you aren’t talking in past tense through the rest of the story. Also I think it needs to word “to” i.e. “The closer I near to the city…”Overall this sentence is awkward and should probably just be changed to omit the word “neared.”
Reading quickly through your stories, they sound good, but when I slow down to read, I seem to have a lot of questions.
“Numbered unnamed exits.” This phrase is interesting. The exits are numbered but not named. You have me wondering what the significance of this is.
“…and that can’t be more stressed.” This phrase is a little too informal for me.
I like the last paragraph of this story, it is intriguing and I like how you found a way to tie the story together. In a way, this reminds me of Calvino. Good job!
Polar Opposites
“…stuffing my sack with all of them” I think this sentence would be more effective just saying “stuffing my sack.”
Adding “all of them” just generalizes the sentence and makes your point less clear.
“But it couldn’t have been religious, as they were adorned with all of the colors, but dulled.” What if the end of the sentence was “adorned with colors, but dulled colors.” Right now the way it is phrased makes me stop reading, instead of drawing me into the rest of the story.
“Everyone was miserable, visibly in pain and in personal anguish.” For this sentence I would choose either visibly in pain or personal anguish. I’m not sure it adds anything to have them both there.
I like the second paragraph. It flows nicely. Waterproof is one word. The phrase “a grand old time were had” is not grammatically correct. It should be either “grand old times were had” or “a grand old time was had.”
I love the third paragraph, I wouldn’t change anything. :)
Undistinguishable (should this be indistinguishable?)
The image of the forest, juxtaposed with this fragment, “Massive buildings arranged perfectly, sitting just beneath the clouds” doesn’t flow as well as it could. You talk about countryside and then say you’re in a forest. Maybe instead of forest say something like path or area. I think there are situations that the buildings sentence would work, but at the beginning of the paragraph you haven’t given enough information to introduce a simple fragment like that. It doesn’t follow the theme you’ve established.
The term mathematical square seems a little vague. Can you elaborate?
Again, your use of the word “neared” is awkward and throws the reader off.
The beginning of the second sentence sounds like you are starting a new story. Maybe say “As I first passed…” to introduce the new paragraph.
“The homes themselves were painted a deep blue, like the ocean I had walked along in so many of my travels.” This is a great sentence; fills my head with great imagery.
Forty-five should be hyphenated, I believe.
“The men all wore fedoras that fit there head perfectly” The there in this sentence should be “their.”
Without a Theme
It seems that even though the city doesn't have a theme, it could still have an interesting title.
"I couldn’t believe I had never heard of this place, as for destinations for food, this was among the best, and most certainly the best for meat lovers, this after only my first of many bites." Like we talked about in class, this is a run-on sentence. Revise.
I love this phrase "as the meal had consumed me". I don't think you need to have the last part of that phrase however, it detracts from the great phrase you've got going on.
"The people in the streets were not very big" I think there might be a classier way to phrase this.
"chow down" This phrase, while it could work, I think it detracts from the mood of your story.
"Food to me is the greatest gift to give yourself, and I had never tried anything remotely as good as in Ghini, nor even tasted anything like what I had tried." This sentence, while I like the fragments inside it, needs to be revised. It reads awkwardly.
I love the ending to this story, however, I think this last line, "I asked why and he answered in one word; meat" should be a colon and not a semi-colon.
Tony, overall great job. These are just completely picky details. I had fun reading your stories. Ciao!
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