Satire Story - This one is really good.

Inauguration of the First Female President of the United States of America

January 20, 2381

“My fellow Americans, today history was made. Never before has a female candidate made it past the primaries, and never even made the primaries in those defunct Democrat and Republican parties. I stand before you today, men, women, land dwelling dolphins, sign language gorillas and the many new aliens, or rather Americans that now live with us today. I have always found it disheartening that the intelligent male species were always elected before their female counterpart. It has always been an uphill battle for women. Hundreds of years ago, women couldn’t even vote. Today, a woman was elected to the most powerful nation in the tri-galaxies. I applaud for the day when female gorillas and dolphins are elected to this most sacred position.

As many of you know, I had a turbulent childhood. I was an orphan, raised by an interspecies couple of a land dwelling dolphin and my uncle Ricky. Countless times in my grade school years I was tormented because of this. My parents told me that in time, Americans would get over their prejudices. For example, the gorillas fought long and hard for their right to vote. They should have not had to fight. We Americans are about accepting people. We must remember this. We must never forget that we were all pilgrims,” Busty Aquarius pronounced in front of an audience of 23 billion.

“I wasn’t a pilgrim!” A Native American named Frank yelled.

“Your people crossed a land bridge made of ice thousands of years ago; that makes you a pilgrim of sorts.” Busty spoke, trying to regain her composure. She issued to the Secret Service to escort the nuisance out of the building of diehard Whigs.

“You know nothing of…” Frank said as his mouth was covered and thrown out of the building.

Busty looked at the audience. Had nothing changed? No one respected her. She simply bought her way into the primaries as others had done long before her. But still, she had paid her dues. This position was rightfully hers. No one could take that from her. Her destiny started today, she was ready for anything or anyone.

“Still, we are in a dark time. The Martians, long our ally in the two galaxy wars have broken off from us. Contact between us has lessened in these last few years. The Grand Arch Duke Dictator Maya III has steadily built up more and more doomsday devices that were banned after Galaxy War II, when trillions of Venusians were obliterated. They must put a stop to the build up of arms, and placing these devices on the moon, in such a close vicinity of Mother Earth. Though the Martians have long been our ally, they are socially backwards. They still do not allow gay marriage. We do not tolerate the intolerant!”

“We are asexual you idiot.” A young Martian named Julian announced, before being grabbed by the Secret Service and thrown out of the building.

Busty lost it and started crying on intergalaxial TV. The Grand Arch Duke Dictator Maya III upon seeing the weakness of the newly elect president decided to test her. It told the General of doomsday devices to blow up Greenland (the seventy sixth state of America). The General passed the orders down to the General at the Earth Moon region 64 87. The order was executed and Greenland disappeared from the map, as well as from Earth.

Back in Washington DC a Secret Service agent grabbed the crying president and took her away to a small room where several Generals were waiting for her.

“Misses President, Greenland was vaporized. Probably Martians.” One seven star General stated, then sat back in his big cushy chair. Busty had stopped crying, and then sat down in chair, twiddling her hair.

“What should we do now?” Busty asked, looking around the room for some sympathy.

“We should execute plan 8675309!” One young six star General exclaimed.

“For those who don’t know what plan 8675309 is, inform them now.” Busty said, looking around the room as if she knew what the answer was. Everyone in the room knew the answer but her.

“Well,” the young general stated, looking confused, as he assumed everyone knew the answer, “Plan 8675309 is we blow up Mars. Back in 2134 when the drilling began on Mars, there had been a lot of suspicion that if we dug too deep, we would unleash hell. So, we planted every nuclear warhead man had ever made and stuffed it in cave and locked it up. As we dug deeper on Mars, we met the Martians, and the rest, as they say, is history.”

Little did anyone know, as the Martians are a more advanced society, and had invented nuclear weapons six thousand years before the humans, and had also put an end to nuclear warfare and stuffed all of their nuclear weapons in a cave in Earth. This cave was never found. The Martians also had a spy implanted into the president. When hearing the plan of the Americans, the Martians executed their plan to detonate Earth, and Earth was no more.

Questions Answered:

I thought that the idea of Female President would be something that could be easy to satirize. I sort of got this idea from Machiavelli’s Belfagor, that women corrupted men. And here, women would be the end of the Earth. Writing satire is very challenging; I should leave it to the experts, and instead try to construct interesting stories. I don’t know what you mean by round and flat characters, I wrote what I wrote, and that is what I did. I didn’t return to Mark Twain, as I was trying a different route than Twain (I think). Mark Twain is the master of satire. I couldn’t even try to imitate. I know what he is doing, but I can’t do it.